is it possible to be bad at love?

Do not tempt me with a crush. I am a hopeless romantic with an overactive imagination. I find my mind floating and fluttering between the versions of the kind of love I want, or rather, think I want. Maybe something intense and fiery, all-consuming, which ultimately is bound to fizzle out, but that’s okay, because its short run is fulfilling enough. Or the boring kind. Sweet, uncomplicated, and simple. A big fight is when one of you forgets to buy the right kind of laundry detergent. Or maybe something casual, chill, mutually beneficial, in other words, a fling. The truth is, I may find myself wondering what it would be like to have a boyfriend on Sunday afternoons, when my girls are busy, or at 3 am after a night out, but when reality sets in, I don’t want to date. I don’t have the energy or the interest right now. I haven’t met anyone who sends butterflies into my stomach or makes me forget what my name is when they shoot me a smile. And I promise it’s not a case of I think I’m too good for everyone I meet, no, no… because I have most definitely met people who give me all the unfortunate symptoms that come with a crush… just not recently. At first, I thought it was my luck. I didn’t worry about meeting someone because that kind of love may not be the forefront of my life right now (as Olivia Dean puts it). But then, when I chat about romantic love and dating to some friends of mine in relationships, I feel like a psych ward patient in denial, when I have to repeat myself, saying “I promise I am happy being single” because some of them don’t seem to buy it or try to convince me life is more fun with a boyfriend. Ew. But as someone with a tendency to overthink and spiral, it sometimes gets to me, leading to insecurities bubbling up that haven’t been there since I was sixteen and friends were talking about if they were ready to lose their virginity to their high-school boyfriend, and I remember thinking I cannot possibly relate because who would I be doing that with?

What if I really am meant to be alone? Romantically, I mean. Because I know I have friends who love me, and I love them, but most of them are in relationships. And it’s not a case of since they have boyfriends, they don’t go out anymore, not at all, it’s more like they don’t get it. When we go out and have fun, they have someone to go home to. And frankly, it scares me that there are days when I think I would feel a little less lonely if I were in a relationship. Which is what prompts my question: is it possible to be bad at love? What if my lack of a boyfriend right now is actually a me issue? What if I really am incapable of letting someone in, compromising, sharing… all the very real stuff that comes with a relationship? What if I’m not pretty enough? Charming enough? What if I’m too closed off, but then people well-versed in dating tell you to be mysterious, but you’re not supposed to be guarded, you’re supposed to have an air of je ne sais quoi about you… But they fail to tell you how to achieve this level of “cool”. What if, when I’m in the mood to be social and open to meeting new people, I’ve let my guard down too much, and then there’s nothing left to hook them in with? At some points, you should be quiet, cool, and chill, letting them do the talking, but also make sure you’re helping keep the conversation going. Why does it feel like my default version isn’t good enough? Every time I go out, I should be reinventing myself instead of holding out for someone who is into me, the real me.

It sounds absolutely ridiculous to write down these dating rules, philosophies, or pieces of advice (whatever you want to call them) that people tell you, but I have genuinely been told all of these things. Dating and romance cannot be boiled down into a simple guideline or formula… which brings me to the biggest cliche I know everyone is tired of hearing… it happens when you least expect it. And it’s true. My best and favourite romantic memories have all been completely by surprise, and while they may not have ended well, I learned something from each of them, and now I remember them fondly. So why do I sometimes find myself desperate to recreate those times and find someone, when I do have every right to hold out for someone who excites and interests me in the right way? I should embrace being a romantic and set standards for the people I spend time with and attach myself to.

I also feel like I can’t complain about feeling lonely because of a lack of a boyfriend, since I have rejected all opportunities for dating and romance. And it’s because I know I’m not interested; there’s nothing wrong with these boys. They’re lovely and charming, but I’m not excited to spend time with them. Honestly, it’s sometimes because I would much rather spend a night with my friends than with a guy, where there’s a 20/80 chance it will go somewhere or eventually end in disappointment… possibly for both of us. Not just because it doesn’t work out, but because I cannot answer the question of “what are you looking for?” or “what do you want?” simply and succinctly. I really don’t know what I want from dating right now, so why waste my time and theirs?

…Then I spend just an hour with a fellow single girlfriend of mine, and even the teeniest, tiniest worry that sticks in my mind about feeling alone because I don’t have a boyfriend immediately escapes…

A, I’m not alone just because I don’t have a boyfriend (I’ve always known this; there are just some days when it’s hard to believe), and B, I’m not the only single person in London. I am, once again, spiralling. I have plenty more to fret about than not being in a relationship. I keep busy enough. I go to my weekly strength and Pilates classes (Elle Woods was right when she said that exercise releases endorphins, meaning happy people don’t kill their husbands). I’ve been starting to cook more and reading instead of doomscrolling. I’ve been going out with friends and trying new activities, restaurants, clubs. I spent the first week of the year running around London with my friend Nùria, who was visiting from Barcelona. I escaped miserable, grey London for a long weekend in Paris to catch up with friends, AKA an instant mood lifter. I also have plenty to do for my second year of university: readings, presentations, portfolios and essays. I’m supposed to be feeling better about myself. I should be feeling secure and fine with my day-to-day, but all the healthy habits I picked up this new year seem to be short-lived highs. It always seems to wear off. It might also be the curse of London: everything happens here, so it makes you feel like you’re never doing enough. You could be doing something every day and every night, so when you take an evening off, it feels like you’re behind. Well, I do, anyway.

But as I write all of this down, frankly, my request for a boyfriend, essentially translating to a want of avoiding those occasional feelings of loneliness, feels… pathetic. Sometimes it’s even the friends of mine in relationships I spend time with, and I think to myself, thank God I’m not in their shoes. To quote my favourite Christmas movie, “love, actually, is all around”, and truer words have never been said. Love exists in so many forms, so why exhaust my brain questioning why one type of love isn’t in my life right this second? It has been before, so why am I convincing myself it won’t again? Truth be told, I don’t know where I was going with this post today. In a way, it has felt a little bit like therapy, just talking, talking, talking until I realise it is all in my head. But the ultimate point is, no one is bad at love. I do truly believe there is someone for everybody, and why stress about it anyway? We all have much better things to do with our time than wonder why he hasn’t texted back, or doesn’t want to go out again, or compare ourselves to the ones in relationships. We’re all on different timelines, and as Olivia Dean says, maybe romantic love isn’t the forefront of your life right now and ENJOY IT. Friends will always outlast boyfriends and girlfriends. Appreciate them.

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