self-care or self-isolation?

The 2020s appeared to have sparked a new era of “self-love”, “protect your peace”, and “I don’t need anyone but myself”. Everything is labelled: clean girl, messy girl, pick-me, soft girl, baddie vs beautiful, citrus-summer-girl, play-mermaids-in-the-sea-girl, floor-makeup-girl, vanity-mirror-girl and, unfortunately, I could go on and on… and on. I will refrain from taking this through the feminist angle of why we as a society feel we must constantly label and categorise women, why can we not just exist? But, I digress. In my opinion, this whole “self-love-protect-your-peace” era seems to have stemmed from thinking that we, in the age of social media, have evolved far beyond the messiness that was the 90s / 2000s, where heroin chic was everywhere, low-rise jeans were *it*, drugs and grunge were “accidentally” normalised and there was the birth of mainstream internet. A very brief phase followed afterwards when it seemed we had grown to be body positive, were finally starting to understand that the internet is literally a sparkly, curated version of our lives, NOT reality, and women in power positions, as an idea, was beginning to be taught as the norm. The world evolved into fourth-wave feminism. This, of course, is still not without criticism; my biggest one being that we once again could not let go of labels. We went from housewife to #girlboss, and body positivity became a way for brands to pretend they were doing us a massive favour like putting Barbara Palvin, a size UK 8, in a Victoria’s Secret runway as a plus-size model to prove that “yes, we do think all bodies are beautiful”.

Then, in 2025… we have actually gone backwards. Heroin chic is back, but make it… healthy? Instead of taking heroin and cocaine to lose weight and look like runway models, you must go to the gym consistently to aim for shredded abs and toned arms, but not too muscly, a fat ass but legs that aren’t too thick, while simultaneously taking a hundred different supplements and following a rigorous calorie deficit or supposedly the “perfect Mediterranean diet”, but of course, still participate in the cocaine-heavy London after-work-drinks ritual. We have become our own paparazzi, where instead of strangers stalking celebrities to find out what they are randomly doing at 3 pm, we do it to ourselves with time-stamped “spend the day with me” or “what I eat in a day”, “my 5-9 before my 9-5” or my “5-9 after my 9-5” where for some reason we cannot possibly admit to the world that for maybe an hour or two we are not doing anything. However, they are simultaneously promoting the idea that individual activities can be our sole form of happiness. It sounds extreme, but in some deep, dark corners of the internet, that is what it has led to. Furthermore, we have begun to advertise, or more accurately, propagandise the normalcy of grinding so hard at your 9-5 (and return to dismissing creative careers) and spending your precious and fleeting moments you have in the day on overpriced gym memberships or extremely westernised yoga classes that teach you to get your perfect bikini body instead of achieving well-being between mind and body, that you must schedule a time to catch-up with a friend for twenty minutes in maybe a month or two, if you’re lucky. Then, go on holiday for two weeks of the year to a remote Mediterranean island and fantasise about moving there and claiming this is “perfection”, when in reality, the only reason places like those survive is because they are entirely built and reliant on a community that care for and interact with each other daily. Truthfully, the “perfect Mediterranean diet” is all about everything in moderation. But everything in moderation. Not just food, but everything in your life: learning to balance time for yourself and time with loved ones, the gym is not a hobby but a healthy activity, and having time outside your work hours for things you truly enjoy doing, and so many more aspects.

People need people. It is a fact, I’m sorry to break it to you. We need a support system to pour our love into and to receive it. This teaches you empathy, which is vital to a healthy global society.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with looking after yourself or striving to be the best version of yourself, but it appears that recently, self-love has become equated with putting yourself on a pedestal. We have normalised avoiding problems outside of ourselves and “protecting our peace” so much that, here in London and other major Western cities, not maintaining relationships is considered totally fine. Independence evolved into ignoring our community, and maintaining healthy relationships with friends, family, and other loved ones can come across as codependence. I, myself, have written about being alone and being okay with it, which is true, and I entirely stand by it. However, human connection and relationships are just as important as personal growth. For instance, South London is a thriving multicultural community, especially in the summer, with numerous festivals, events, and spaces for people to gather and socialise with friends and family. But recently, there have been some concerns regarding “how noisy it is” and “how messy it makes the local area”, which frankly is BS. Compared to all the festivals that happen around the UK, the ones in South London are actually well-organised, and in terms of noise, it’s a major city. What were you expecting? These music festivals, county shows, and thriving local businesses are all significant, and locals immediately silenced the complaints about noise and mess because maintaining a community is necessary and a great thing to have in such a loud and busy city.

In recent years, studies have shown that we have become an increasingly individualistic society, and quite frankly, self-love has evolved into an obsession rather than a step in personal growth. Humans are inherently social; it is quite literally in our nature. Face masks, the gym, and Instagram stories will never be enough to sustain us. The internet is a scary and overwhelming place, a platform that ultimately promotes self-absorption and is now pushing for self-love and “focus on yourself.” No wonder it has led to the extreme of closing oneself off from sometimes even basic human interaction. Don’t get it twisted, this criticism does not mean in any way, shape, or form that you must have hundreds of friends, extremely close relationships with family or be out every day and night and never be single, it just seems that the majority of us have begun to fall for the illusion that prioritising oneself is the most important thing. Everyone’s definition of self-care will be different; mine simply involves doing what is best for you, not about entirely removing yourself from any sort of social scene.